Stop Googling and Start Living...BE the Change

As a mother, I am constantly bombarded with emails, seminars, articles, and social media posts about how I can raise my child to be (________)- fill in the blank: intelligent, well-rounded, social, compassionate, empathetic, financially savvy, etc. You name the topic, and you are sure to be able to find a "well-researched" article written by an "expert" somewhere on this world wide web of ours. I'm guilty of spending countless hours reading these type of articles that give me a step-by-step game plan on how to be a better parent, and better yet, how to implement a formula that can guarantee a specific outcome in my children. Pinterest has served me well as I've gotten some great ideas for Christian object lessons and activities that can really help me raise my children to be Christ-loving, mission-minded, Bible-reading believers. Thank God for all of these resources...or maybe not.

This past holiday season, I was invited to countless "blessing bag" parties, to the point that I was going to run out of money and need a blessing bag myself! At these gatherings (which are wonderful by the way), a group of us would come together and collect useful items to put into a bag that would later be distributed to the homeless. There are even neat little guidelines online that give you lists on what to include in your blessing bags, and how to plan your blessing bag party. As parents, many of us want our children to understand the beauty of giving, and we desire for them to have compassion on those who are poor, sick, and lonely. I, personally, want so badly for my children to experience, as St. Paul also wanted those that he served to experience, "what is the width and length and depth and height— to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that [they] may be filled with all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:18-19. I want so badly for this to translate into a life of service, love and compassion in my children. With an abundance of resources around us, the temptation to search for information that will give us a formula to create this in our children is so strong. That is why we plan so many "Christian" events and activities in hopes that these things will eventually rub off on our children, not realizing that true heart change cannot be googled, or ordered on Amazon.

As I think back to how I was raised, I realize my parents had no internet (and no, I'm not THAT old). My mom couldn't come up with creative Christian object lessons from Pinterest to teach me some life lesson or find neat prayers to pray for her daughters. I was raised before the idea of "blessing bags" was a fad trending around the holidays. My mom couldn't browse through blogs with "quick fixes" for the challenges she faced as a mother. So how did my parents instill in me the values that I so badly want to see in my own children? Simple. They just lived. After sharing the idea of this blog post to a good friend, her response was, "So true! I swear sometimes I wanted to yell at my children and say 'please stop disturbing me, I'm trying to learn how teach you about Jesus, get you organized, find prayers to pray together and HAVE FUN FAMILY NIGHTS...darn it'...and I'd get so stressed in the process". Long before the age of social media, text messaging, and the buzz words "being intentional" was thrown into every blog that was ever written, there was something called living in the moment. Gandhi's famous quote is so simple, yet so hard to live out in this day and age where we have almost too many resources at our disposal- BE the change you want to see in the world. Don't google it, research it, plan it, or wish it, just BE it. I realize that I've tried so hard to instill values in my children that I, myself, have yet to live out.

When we were younger, my parents would have us pray together as a family before bed. I remember yawning during my mom's long and wordy prayers, but as I got older I began to realize that when my mom prayed, she was actually talking to God. She didn't cater her prayers so that they would be fun and interesting to my sister and I, she didn't get books on how to pray with your kids- she simply prayed. I still remember her specifically praying for wisdom every night (which I thought was such a boring thing to ask for), and now as a mother, I find myself praying for the same exact thing.

My parents also cared deeply for the poor, sick, and those who had newly immigrated to the States from Egypt. Many of our weekends were spent driving around to visit people in hospitals, those who were lonely, and even driving to downtown Detroit to volunteer at soup kitchens and shelters for homeless women. My parents rarely "preached" to us about how its good to visit the sick, care for the poor, or take care of the homeless during the holidays. They simply did it. My sister and I often protested tagging along with my parents on these visits, but really had no choice. They were not concerned about keeping us entertained at every moment, like many of us are now. My parents had a natural heart of service for others. Their life of service wasn't just squeezed into the time they had leftover, or during holidays when it made them feel good. It was part of who they were. My sister and I naturally adopted this spirit of service as we grew older, not because of any lecture, podcast, or blog my parents had listened to about "how to make your kids serve others". We simply followed their lead.

I could give many more examples of different ways my parents taught us by simply by having a genuine and active relationship with God. The most important thing they did that left such a lasting impact on my sister and I's life was pray for us. Just got down on their knees and prayed. These days, I am bombarded with so many resources about praying for my children and raising them, that many of my nights are spent browsing through these things online instead of taking the time to just get down on my knees and pray for the things I'm googling! I remember that during my rebellious teenage years, my mom cut out a picture of my head and taped it onto one of the heads of the sheep in the picture of Christ the Good Shepherd. Many nights, I would find her kneeling before this picture. No matter how many wonderful child rearing books we read, or seminars we attend that give us step by step instructions on raising perfect children, on our knees is where all and any real change will take place- in them and in us.

(To the tune of Michael Jackson's Man in the Mirror)...So if you want to make your child a better kid, you better look at yourself and make a CHANGE....I believe fully that any change we want to see in our children, any values we want to instill in them, must first be present in us. There is no article, research, or podcast that has ever proved otherwise. BE THE CHANGE.

Mother's Day Tribute...

The following are letters my sister and I wrote to my mom in a book we put together as a gift to celebrate the last birthday she spent on earth. We didn't realize that it would be the last birthday we would spend with her, but so glad we were able to express our sentiments while she was still here with us.

FROM SHERRY:
Dear Moo,

There are too many memories I have of you to write them all down. From the places you would take us when we were little (the museums, parks, libraries…) to the things we did together when we were older (bike rides to Athens, tennis, long walks and talks), and everything in between. Each of those memories holds a special place in my heart, but there is so much of you that I carry with me every day as a person, and as a mother. I wish you were able to see now how we carry inside of us all that you worked hard to instill in us. As a mother now, I know just how hard it is, wanting to instill in my children the things that I even fall short of and am still striving for. As mothers, we worry and wonder if the mistakes we make will affect our kids in the long run, and also if they will take for themselves the values we try so hard to instill in them. Well Moo, you have really pulled it off…not by anything you preached to us or taught us with words, but by your genuine and unwavering quest to seek and serve God and love Him and His people. I will never forget seeing you sit in the formal living room reading your Bible and praying. I will forever appreciate that your priorities for us were to love God first, and love others. You were never concerned with the goals that the rest of the world had for their kids, and yet you supported us and stayed up with us many nights studying for tests or helping with projects, which helped both of us to succeed academically. It always struck me how you never cared to fit in with the crowd or get your own social needs met, but instead you always looked to see how you could meet the needs of others, especially the elderly, the lonely, the sick, the kids who had special needs…the ones that everyone else overlooked. You loved the poor and were the happiest when you were with them, or giving to them. You had us spend our Saturdays at Capuchin Soup Kitchen, and spend summer days at the shelter for single mothers and their kids. I still have distinct memories of those places. All of this, plus countless visits to the sick/lonely/needy with you and Baba left an impact on us so great that it has become a huge part of who we are and what we do. You were always so wise, such a good listener and counselor. Sometimes I think you are in the place you are so that God could give you the desire of your heart, to be a blessing to others, to live as a nun ;), and to serve those who are the hardest to serve. Even in your sickness, you are continuing to bless so many. Your sickness changed us, and saved us in ways we could have never planned ourselves.

What an incredible woman you are- and I get to call you Mom…

There are so many days I wish I could call you and ask for your advice about things with the kids. Days where I stay awake worrying if I’m doing anything right, worrying about them, and wishing I could talk to you about it…and then I realize that deep inside of me, your voice, your spirit, your answers are there. Recently, I found an incredibly touching poem you had written in your journal, and I believe that the last 2 lines capture the way you lived your life.

It read:

“Shall the Great Judge learn when my task is through, that my spirit has gained some riches too?

Or shall at last it be mine to find, that all I’ve worked for, I’ve left behind…”

My dear mom, truly all of the riches you worked for are spiritual riches, an inheritance you passed down to us that moth and rust cannot destroy. Every time I worry about something, and wonder what you would say, I remember that you always had such a heavenly perspective. Grades, career, worldly accomplishments, and everyday struggles start to fade in the light of what really matters. Your life, your spirit, and now your sickness are a testimony to that and for that I will be forever grateful. I love you.

FROM CHRISTINA:
Mama who evolved into Moo is the most selfless person I know and I didn't truly appreciate it and understand it fully until I became an "adult."

My childhood was filled with daily home cooked meals, special snacks, notes in my lunches that eventually turned into weekly letters in my college mail box.

Endless rides to school, basketball practice, Girl Scout meetings, friends' houses and never a complaint - always out of love.

I realize how much she put on hold for the whole family.

She has a contagious laugh that was sometimes uncontrollable and lead to tears.

She instilled in me a desire and an obligation to help others - her Christian faith permeated every aspect of her life.

She was beautiful in her simplicity.

Even though she's still with me, I miss her and I hope she knows how much I appreciated her!

Miracles STILL Happen

For the last seven years, I've been suffering from a condition called anosmia- the complete loss of smell. This loss of smell consequently left me without the ability to taste as well. The most common cause of this condition is, as in my case, nasal congestion from allergies or sinus issue. Most people take their sense of taste and smell for granted, but if you've ever been without these senses even for a few days, you know the misery it can cause. In fact, in the little research that has been done on this subject, it was found that over the years, people with anosmia are likely to develop depression since many of the "pleasure centers" in the brain are activated when we taste and smell things that are desirable. Of course there is also the safety issues related to this condition. Once I had left the stove on, and had no idea that a fire was about to start until the fire alarm went off. And of course there were also the embarrassing moments when my kids were still in diapers and everyone but me knew that they needed a diaper change...

I had gotten used to not being able to taste or smell, but it was definitely starting to slowly chip away at my quality of life. I missed the years of smelling the "baby smell" of my kids, I missed smelling the beginning of Spring and Fall, I missed smelling the sunscreen that would remind me of summer, and of course I missed the taste of all my favorite food. I stopped buying perfumes, scented candles, and the like. I tried all that I could to help my condition- sinus surgery, taking steroids (which I couldn't do long term), sinus rinses, etc. I even made appointments with the best ENTs in the area. After seven years, I reluctantly gave up hope that I would ever find a solution. I accepted it as one of the crosses I would carry in life, and tried to make the best of it. I still had 3 of my senses, and so much more that I was thankful for. I started trying to enjoy just the textures of food instead of taste, i.e. a crunchy ice cream cone with cold ice cream, a toasted crunchy bagel with cream cheese, etc.


Around four months ago, I was in Michigan for what I thought was just a bi-annual visit to see my mom. She was diagnosed with early onset dementia and was now at the stage where it was nearly impossible for her to travel anywhere. Within an hour of my arrival in Detroit, my sister and I were informed that my mom was "active". Not knowing what this meant, we were confused, because she didn't look active to us since she had been bed-ridden for quite some time. To our disbelief, we learned that "active" meant that she had begun the process of actively dying. The doctor told us that her death was imminent- it was only a matter of hours or days. For the next eleven days, my sister and I sat at my mother's bedside, watching as her body and life faded away. During those eleven days, the veil between heaven and earth were very thin. Amidst all the mourning and sadness, a window to heaven was opened that I had never experienced before. The unknown of what happens after this life was right in front of us for a brief moment in time. God became more real than ever, and heaven a real place. Sitting at the death bed of one of His saints, who happened to be my own mother, allowed me a glimpse into the reality of heaven that I had never experienced before.


I cannot explain what I felt and experienced, but I can tell you what happened and how on earth this relates to my lack of taste and smell! You can imagine the amount of crying that was going on for those eleven days. The crying, coupled with little sleep and good old Michigan pollen cause my allergies to be OUT OF CONTROL. I could barely breathe and I was just miserable. One day when I was sitting on my mom's bed, I held her hand and looked into her eyes and said, "When you go before the throne of God, can you please ask Him to show me how I can get treated for this? I don't know what to do anymore." I believe that over the years as my mom's body and mind were deteriorating from the awful disease of dementia, her spirit was only getting stronger. I knew at that moment that she heard my prayer request. On October 28th, my mom's spirit departed from her body, and at that exact moment, I saw my mom for who she now was- her young self, free from disease, and soaring in her spirit as she was now free. I don't know if you would call it a vision, but I did see her in this new state, and in the middle of my sobbing, I whispered to my husband, "I have my mom back", as this horrible disease had stolen her from us much too early.

One week after I had come back home to Virginia after the funeral, my friend who is a doctor called me from work. She was excited to share some news with me. She wanted to let me know that a patient of hers, who wasn't able to taste or smell for fifteen years was finally healed. Her patient had gone to a doctor in the area who had done acupunctre for a few months, and gone on a clean eating diet. I was so excited about this new and hopeful information, but it was not until I hung up the phone with my friend that I remembered...

This was exactly what I asked my mom for! To go before the throne of God and ask Him to direct me in getting treatment for my condition!

I couldn't wait to get started. When I arrived to the doctor to start acupuntre treatment, I was a bit surprised by the non-traditional office. I was never into alternative medicine, but at this point, I had nothing to lose. As I laid down on the treatment bed, I thought to myself that the doctor must surely be into some new age religion. Before I could even finish my thoughts, the door to my room was shut by the doctor, and a large cross was now visible at the back of the door. This is the place I'm supposed to be I thought to myself and smiled.

For around 3 months, I drove almost daily to this office that was almost 30 minutes away from home. I walked in faith. Just like the blind man that Jesus healed by putting clay in his eyes and asking him to wash in the pool of Siloam, I listened to the somewhat odd commands of doing acupunctre and changing my diet that God was telling me that would lead to my healing as well. I began to feel much better, my breathing was significantly improved and my asthma was almost gone. I no longer needed medication for my allergies. Everything was great, except that I still couldn't smell and taste. I was drained from driving and the expense of it was adding up. Even though I was extremely thankful for how much better I felt, decided to take a couple weeks off from the acupuntre.

Just last week, I woke up and brushed my teeth as usual, but this time something was different. I could taste my toothpaste I quickly ran downstairs and started opening up the peanut butter, the coffee beans, and anything I could get my hands on. I could smell everything! I opened a banana and ate it- and I could taste it. Since that day, my taste and smell have come back off and on, but most days I have these senses back. I honestly never thought I would ever see this day. I firmly believe that God has allowed me to experience the fruit of my mother's intercessions so that I could share that the victorious Church- made up of those who have gone before us- is truly alive and working and interceding for us, the struggling Church here on earth. The unseen spiritual world is just as alive and real as the physical world we see around us. I believe that God healed me after taking a two week break from acupuntre so that I wouldn't wrongly attribute my healing to just the acupuntre, though I know that this treatment that God led me to was extremely affective. Just like He didn't want the blind man to attribute his healing to the clay that was used, or the pool water- God wanted me to know that He alone is the author of my healing. Our God is alive and His mercy and compassion became a reality to me through this experience. To Him be all the glory.

And to my sweet mother...how great it is to know that you will never stop taking care of me.

Mansions in Heaven

We are in the process of buying a new house. It's a very exciting time for our family since we've spent the past 7 years or so living the "tent life"- moving freely from place to place as God would lead us. We've just been renting as we go, so I haven't found it worth the time or money to invest in much home decor, furniture, paint, etc. Though on the outside the homes we have lived in haven't been that big, or fancy, or elaborately decorated, the heart of our home has been alive, vibrant and joyful. Without focusing on the outside, we were able to spend time cultivating what really matters- quality time as a family, enjoying each other, opening our home to those that need it, and spending time in prayer to invoke the Spirit of God into our home and our lives.

With the advent of buying this new house comes a lot of planning and decision making about different ways we can improve and beautify things. I have literally spent hours on Pinterest trying to choose just the right paint color, determine the most efficient way to lay out our furniture, and so on. If I can create this "perfect house", the world tells me, I will be happy, at peace, and able to enjoy life to the fullest. There are actually hundreds of blogs talking about paint colors that relieve stress and help you relax! Needless to say, I've put a lot of pressure on myself and spent endless hours investing in this new home...a home that is by no means my permanet residence, nor is it my key to happiness.

All of this effort has taken my eyes off my true purpose, and even the reason we are buying the house in the first place. Ephesians 2:10 tells us, "we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them". Anything that nudges us away from this purpose of ours will leave us feeling unsatisfied and unfulfilled. We are simply not wired to be satisfied with temporary and earthly things. One of my favorite parts of the Orthodox Liturgy pleads, "and we too who are sojourners in this place, keep us in your faith, and grant us your peace unto the end". Soujourners- strangers- visitors.

My efforts to beautify this home should not be simply to create a comfortable place for my family and I to live. I have to continually keep in mind that as just a visitor on this earth, I should spend more time investing in the things that will last eternally. Creating a haven that will prompt my family to pray and be filled in order to be equipped for the good works that God has prepared for us. Creating a space that will be open for God's service and carving out time to pray in order for our home to be filled with His presence and His Spirit. All of these things that cannot be done when my mind and efforts are focused on the things of this temporary world. I learned a powerful lesson from great friends of ours. Even though they were able to afford an enormous house that was lavishly decorated, our friends intentionally chose to buy a beautiful home that was just the perfect size- not too big and not too small. This purchase surprised some family and friends of theirs who couldn't understand why they didn't buy a huge, elaborate house if they had the money to afford it. After discussing the issue with them one day over dinner, the husband sent us an email later that night with a picture similar to the one below:

You see, he told us that one day they actually will have a huge house- a mansion to be exact. One day, they will have a house that is so lavishly decorated that one would not be able to describe it in words. But this home will not be here on earth. How powerful that message was for us and how great was their example. Yes, the world will tell us to buy bigger, and more, and to spend a lot of money and effort on our temporary homes, though all of it is in vain as Solomon said, "vanity of vanities, all is vanity". Christ makes a great promise to us and says, "In My Father’s house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you" (John 14:2). I pray that God would give us the grace to invest- not in this earthly house of ours- but in our true Home that He is preparing for us.

The "Heart Work" in Parenting

There are more times than I'd like to admit where I've whispered something like this to my boys during liturgy, "if you keep quiet and sit still, I'll buy you some (fill in the blank with a candy/treat)". Of course, there's nothing entirely wrong with doing that considering they are young and the liturgy for them seems like an eternity. The problem comes when this kind of bargaining starts to become a way of life in our home, and oftentimes it does without us, as parents, even thinking of its implications. We make all kinds of sticker charts and reward systems for the boys adhering to certain rules and avoiding certain behaviors. Again, I don't think that's always a bad thing, especially when we are trying to instill habits like doing homework, chores, potty training, etc. However, it does become a problem when the outside behavior looks good (because our kids are motivated by some external reward) but the heart remains the same. Weren't the pharisees just like that? Their behavior was actually perfect but Christ rebukes them saying, "You brood of vipers! How could evil men like you speak what is good and right? For whatever is in your heart determines what you say. A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart" (Matt. 12:34) Yikes! Without even realizing it, we can be turning our children into Pharisees. I'll admit, sometimes it is easier to just fix the behavior from the outside, especially when we are in front of people, in places where we need them to behave, or even when we are just so exhausted that we'll do whatever it takes to make them behave (There have definitely been some nights where I promised my kids they'll get a treat in the morning if they would just go to bed and not keep coming out of their rooms ;)). So how do we practically get to work on our children's hearts?

One thing our children (and ourselves) need to understand is that no matter how hard any of us try, we cannot change on our own. It is only the mighty power of Jesus Christ inside of our hearts that can make real and lasting change. That's why its important that we, as parents, pray in front of our children very honestly and openly. When I lose my patience with my kids, I first apologize and then either on the spot or during bedtime prayers, pray out loud to God and ask Him to uproot the impatience from my heart, and replace it with His love and His heart. It may sound silly, but after a while (even at a young age), the kids start to understand that we all need God, even mommy and daddy. Wasn't that God's biggest issue with the Pharisees? They didn't feel the need for God, because they felt that they could just fix themselves without His help.

As Orthodox Christians, we are constantly displaying our need for God. Why else would we drag ourselves and our children to liturgy every Sunday? Because we know the power we receive from the Eucharist. We know the cleansing we receive from repentance and confession. We understand our spiritual struggle here on earth which is why we call on the saints, who are part of the victorious church, to pray for us and help us. We do prostrations (meytanias)while saying "Lord have mercy", which is our way of telling God, we really need your help! These are all things we need to verbalize to our children. After a rough morning with the boys when everyone was not being kind to each other (myself included), we got into the car and I said, "Boys, we are on our way to Church to be close to God and take communion because we all need Him to change our hearts and give us power to be just as kind as He is." Of course they may not understand what this really means, but their spirit does, and over time as we keep verbalizing this, they will also see their need for Him, and the healing and true peace that He brings.

Another thing that has helped work on heart issues is helping the kids find the root cause of their behavior. For example, when fighting over toys, or when siblings constantly bicker, a lot of times the root cause is selfishness or thinking of one's own needs over the other's (pride). Even at a young age, its good to probe with your children to get them to see the root cause of their behavior. Once they find it with your help, you can both pray for it and put it before God and say something like, "Lord, it is hard for me not to be selfish, can you please help me to change?" Getting into this habit not only gets to the heart of the matter, but always points our children back to the grace and saving power of the Cross, which should be our goal as Christian parents. I hope this encourages all of us to work on our children's hearts and not just the outside behavior.

Family Altar- First Round!

I've been increasingly aware of the evils of the world lately, and how Satan truly is like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour (1 Peter 5:8). He looks for any door that is kept even a tiny bit open to enter and destroy. He tries to creep into our minds, tries to lure our children, and tries to destroy the family. It is quite anxiety provoking even just to think about, and I must admit that there are days when the thoughts and the worries can almost be paralyzing. In those moments, I am reminded that Christ promises, "Behold, I give you the authority to trample on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall by any means hurt you." What an amazing promise! But how can we get this authority? We are blessed with a richness in our Church that gives us various means of receiving the grace of the Holy Spirit that can fill our hearts and our homes with this protection against evil and also bring us to the presence of God. The "Family Altar" is a designated area in the home where we as a family can come into the presence of God together. We made ours pretty simple for now (picture above) with an icon and a candle, since our boys are still little. We set up the ipad with the prayers from the Coptic book of hours (the Agbeya) and for today we just said the Our Father and the Thanksgiving Prayer that our six year old was able to read for us. We also tried to do some meytanias (prostrations) while saying "Lord Have Mercy". I say "tried" because our 1 1/2 year old was with us and thought we were all trying to play a game with him, but after a while he was really trying to get up and down like his older brothers :) Overall, it was a good first attempt. The boys of course were laughing at times, trying to play around and pretty distracted overall, but I know that just being in the presence of God together as a family is powerful. When we pray in His presence, we put ourselves in the posture to receive His Grace, His peace, His joy, His protection, His love. Regardless of what is happening around us (even when 3 monkeys are jumping all around us), He is there and ready to give to us. I pray that these moments would plant seeds in the hearts of my children, and build walls around their hearts and minds to protect them from the evil that is fighting all around them.

Decluttering

This will be the second time that I try to intentionally "declutter" during Lent. It seems as though I let things get a little out of hand when I am not making a conscious effort to simplify and stay focused. I'm not just talking about my kitchen counter that now takes the brunt of having to manage three little boys, but I am also talking about my mind and my spirit; both of which have also taken the brunt of my busy lifestyle and my admitted addiction to social networking and constant need to look up something on my iphone (aka "the antichrist"). Apparently, I'm not alone. I've talked to countless people who say the way they "unwind" at night is by browsing facebook or flipping through their smart phone. It seems all of us are being pulled in by something...or someone...who wants us to keep our minds and hearts busy and full with something, anything...other than Him. Sometimes I look around my home and see all of the excess stuff that we don't even have room for. I can spend hours just putting this "stuff" away, organizing it, and picking it up off the floor. It can literally consume me to the point where I don't have enough time and energy to do the things that are important, like spending time with my husband and kids, and making sure they don't go the bed hungry ;) And even when I do spend time with them, my thoughts are often consumed with what I have to do, so I don't get to fully enjoy my time with them. Isn't it the same for my spirit?? There is so much "stuff" in my mind and heart that it becomes difficult to focus on what the Lord is saying to me when I spend time in prayer. Sometimes although He is right beside me, He seems distant because all of the clutter in my mind is making its way down to my spirit so that I can't fully engage Him. So what am I going to do about it?? Yes, disconnect! (Ironically, this is actually a real app on smart phones). I am disconnecting from social networking completely and excess email/texting and increasing my Bible reading and time spent in the agbeya and personal prayer. I truly believe that God is the one giving me the motivation to do this in order to really draw me in to Him. Through His power and grace, I don't doubt that some great change will happen through this process...stay tuned!

One Day...

Being a full time mother of 3 little boys can be a daunting task some days. There is little time to rest, think, and even eat... As tempting as it is to look forward to my boys growing up just a little, and being more independent, I am very cautious not to. I don't know what it is that makes me extremely aware that life is short and that these moments are so fleeting. Maybe it is because my dad passed away about 30 years before he should have, and my mom was taken from us by dementia also about 30 years too early...Maybe its because my two older sons will both be in school full time next week...I'm not sure what it is, but the following are the thoughts that keep me going when I seem to be drowning in the fatigue and responsibilities of the day: - When the boys jump in bed with us much too early for our liking, I remind myself that one day we will be the ones dragging them out of bed, and we will be longing for the days of early morning cuddles with them.

- When they constantly ask us to play with them, whether it be riding bikes outside, playing Candyland for the 100th time, or building yet another castle or spaceship out of blocks, I remind myself that one day I will wish they'd want to play with us instead of their friends, and will be longing for the days when we were their world, their fun.

-When they ask for "one more bedtime story", I remind myself that soon they will be reading on their own, and I will long for the days where we all sat in bed together, having them on our laps while we read story after story.

-When they seem to be "in my way" in the kitchen while I am trying to cook, asking me if they can help, I will remind myself that there will be a day where all they'll want is to know when dinner will be ready. I will long for the days where we prepared together.

-When I want the house to be quiet just for once, I will remind myself that one day the house will seem a little bit too quiet. I will long for the days when we could hear the pitter patter of their feet as they ran all over the place, I will miss the laughing, and even the fighting over all the silly things.

-When I am constantly cleaning up instead of spending time with my kids, I will remind myself that there will be a day where I don't have 5 people's laundry to wash, little fingerprints to clean, and crumbs to sweep up. I will long for the days where my house was a mess, but full of life.

-When I feel as if my ears are going to fall off with all the "Mommy, guess what??" or "Mommy, look at this!!" that I hear all day long, I remind myself that one day it will be like pulling teeth to get my boys to keep talking to me and telling me about every detail of their day. I will even long for those days when they talked my head off.

Even as I wake up to feed and hold my newborn, I am reminded how quickly they grow and how this precious season of closeness with my baby will soon be over.

The Bible tells us, "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven." Moms and dads, let us diligently serve our children during this brief season. As challenging as it may be some days, let us remind ourselves that it is just a season that will soon become a memory as we move on to our next God given assignment.

God Alone

No one has ever fully embraced the concept of "God Alone" apart from grave disappointment. That is the painful truth. There have been moments in my life where I could have confidently said "all I need is God and nothing else", but had I been stripped away of my provisions and come face to face with the Provider, I would have to be honest with myself and admit that I would still feel like something is missing. When I speak of provisions, I'm not necessarily talking about material possessions. Relationships, comfort, and routine are also things that I hold on to in order to attain a sense of happiness or peace, but in the end, even these things don't satisfy. Even the most wonderful, Godly people and fruitful relationships will inevitably disappoint us at times, because it just doesn't make sense to expect of people or situations what only God can deliver. Even though we know this, so many of us find ourselves going back to these things over and over again thinking that maybe this time we will find what we are looking for.

So what should we do then? We have two choices: wrestle all of our lives with unmet expectations, or INTENTIONALLY rest our souls in God. Obviously, we would all choose to do the latter, but how? King David gives us some insight on how to use the disappointment we experience in people or situations as an opportunity to cling to God so that we can get to the point where we can truthfully say, "God ALONE". Goliath was nothing of the giant that Saul was to David. Saul was someone close to David, and someone that David looked up to at one point. Can you imagine how David felt when someone that close to him betrayed him and sought to kill him? Maybe we don't have friends turning against us or people wanting to kill us, but we've all experienced the feeling of disappointment in a person or situation that we thought was "the one" that would satisfy us.

One thing that David did that I have been practicing is really pouring my heart out to God- out loud. Instead of looking for a person to vent to or share my feelings with, I have been making a point to go to God first. Its natural for us to think that going to a person will make us feel better, but there are moments in our life when God closes doors to people so we are forced to come to Him. Psalm 62 is a wonderful example of when David did just that. After pouring out his heart to the Lord, David says in verse 5, "My soul, wait silently for God ALONE, for my expectation is from Him." So often we get impatient in our trials and impulsively run to people or things to give us the satisfaction that God is eager to give us...if only we would wait. Praying out loud has helped me to stay focused and also to feel that I am actually talking to the person of God, rather than wrestling with jumbled thoughts in my head. Doing this consistently allows me to actually get things off my chest and pour myself out so that God can fill me up with His peace, His joy, His direction, His guidance...all the while building a more intimate relationship with Him. If we are filled with feelings of discontentment, anger, confusion, etc, it will be hard to God to "fill us up" with these things and that's why its important to pour it all out and not bottle it up inside. I can't wait to get to the point where I am so satisfied in this place of rest that God gives that the next time a trial hits me, I will run to Him first instead of to others and be able to honestly say with David, "My soul, wait silently for God ALONE, for my expectation is from Him."

Seasons of Change

Hate is a strong word, so I will say this...I strongly dislike change, and as I grow, I'm realizing it more and more. I always order the same drink at Starbucks (chai: hot in the winter and iced in the summer); I always eat the same dish at the Cheesecake Factory (lemon herb roasted chicken); I like to follow the same weekly routines and keep things in my life as predictable as possible.

Ironically, in the past 8 years our life has been anything but predictable. We moved to Kenya twice (once before kids and once after) for over 6 months each time, all three of our children were not exactly planned (by us at least ;)), my mom was stricken by an extremely rare disease called Pick's around 8 years ago and became someone unrecognizable almost overnight, my dad passed away completely unexpectedly around a year ago, and here I am now in Fairfax, Virginia, my husband an ordained a priest for the Coptic Church...none of which we could or would have predicted at the beginning of our marriage.

So seeing that I dislike change, one would think that I would be miserable, but it has been quite the opposite! There is a special grace and blessing I've found in allowing God to take us places- both literally and spiritually- that doesn't necessarily make sense logically. This past Sunday, I was visiting a family with my husband and he shared his meditation about St. Mary and her thoughts and feelings when she was informed that she was pregnant (out of wedlock) with the Son of God. That isn't exactly easy news to swallow for a young girl who lived a very simple and most likely predictable life. This change would affect every part of her life- her emotions, her social life, her responsibilities, her daily routine, and so much more. She had two choices: obey God and submit to the plan He had for her life, or continue on with her life pretending she didn't hear Him.

Clearly, we know what her choice was. Was it an easy choice? NO. Was it an easy life? NO. But was she blessed? EXTREMELY. Was God glorified? TREMENDOUSLY.

We all have the same choice as St. Mary when God ordains some type of change in our life. We can obey and submit to His plan or we can act like we never even heard Him. If we choose the latter, our life will be simple, routine, and predictable, but it will never be blessed. I've had the blessing of experiencing this several times in my life, yet now when I am the verge of an eminent change, I still fear and long to cling to routine, stability, and predictability.

But as I write this post, I am reminded of an all too familiar verse, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11. I make the decision to willingly submit to the upcoming changes that God has planned for us, with full confidence that even though tough times may lie ahead of us, there is blessing and glory at the end of the tunnel, and through it all, we have a heavenly Father who will hold our hand through it all.

Fla-Vor-Ice

Funny choice for a blog post, I know. These flavored popsicles actually hold great sentimental value for me. I was sitting outside with my kids eating them today when a flood of memories from my own childhood came rushing to my mind. The long summer days of playing with neighbors, going through sprinklers, going to the Detroit version of the "beach" with my parents...

How fleeting those moments were. I get a pit in my stomach when I think that the home which held the spirit we had known as children is empty, and those moments are gone. I could have never predicted the early death of my father, and my mother battling with dementia at such a young age. Life is simply unpredictable.

So as I sat outside with my kids tonight eating our popsicles, I focused not on the fact their shoes weren't on and their popsicles were spilling on their clothes. Instead, I focused on the sweet moment we were sharing, realizing that these moments also will pass.

As hard as it is sometimes to not wish it was time for the kids to go to bed so I can finally get some rest, I promised myself tonight to savor every single moment- good and bad- because these are the moments that one day we will wish would come back...

Spoiling our Kids...Just a Thought

I am always trying to make sure my kids are not spoiled. Of course I believe its important to discipline, after all, who wants to deal with spoiled brats? But the other day, God revealed something to me that really struck me...HE spoils US. While journaling, I was recalling the abundance of blessings in my life, one by one. After a while, I was a little overwhelmed. The amount of blessings certainly did not match up with my devotion, my service, or my sacrifice. In other words, I am doing NOTHING to deserve what He gives me, but that doesn't stop Him from giving.

With my kids, a lot of the time, I give them rewards based on what they have done, or not done. I know it is important to teach responsibility and of course not give them everything they ask for, but sometimes, I feel like we should just give to our kids simply because we love them. The other day, Daniel asked, "Mommy, can I have ice cream if I am behaving?" and I answered, "You can have ice cream because I love you." The sweet look on his face was priceless and reminded me that I should do it more often.



Kids gain an understanding of God's character mostly from the way their parents treat them. I want my kids to grow up confident of God's UNCONDITIONAL love for them. I don't want them to think of God as a stern parent always looking over their shoulders to make sure they aren't doing anything wrong.

Lord, fill me with Your Spirit so that my kids can see You and Your amazing love through me.

Heaven Isn't So Far Away...

It's been about 7 months since my dad passed away. Suddenly. There were no warning signs, no major health problems, nothing to prepare us for the news we heard on September 8, 2010. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about my dad and miss him. I have been wanting to blog about him for so long, but there is so much to say that it has been too overwhelming to narrow it down to one post. God's hand in the last years of my dad's life was the most powerful and touching example I have ever seen of God's love and His desire to save every single one of His children. I've journaled in detail the events that God orchestrated in the last years of my dad's life and one day will blog about it.

But for now, I want to talk about the window into heaven that we've been blessed with ever since my dad's departure. For the longest time, I imagined heaven to be a big room with pews where everyone was happily singing liturgical hymns and praising God- for all of eternity. I know I'm supposed to think that this is wonderful and that I couldn't think of doing anything else for an endless amount of years...but to be honest, I was always a little uneasy about this and was afraid (although I know its impossible) that I would be...well, bored in heaven. So when my dad passed, I remember crying to my priest and telling him I was sad just to think that my dad was going to miss out on so many wonderful experiences in this life like watching his grandkids grow up, enjoying his family, going on vacation, even just enjoying his relationship with God and the abundant life that God provides. My priest politely grinned and asked, "You really think all of this is something he's going to choose over his experience in heaven." At that point, I realized I knew nothing about heaven which was why my grief at that point was so great- I felt like I had lost my dad to this mysterious abyss that I knew nothing about. And that's when my obsession with heaven began. I started reading every book I could get my hands on that would give me a glimpse of what heaven really was about. I started to delve into my Church's view on heaven, the saints, and the liturgy- which we believe actually takes us into heaven. Thankfully, after all of this "research", God enlightened me to truly get a glimpse into heaven and my life hasn't been the same since.
I now am passionate about learning more about heaven and telling others about it. In fact, as Christians, I can't believe that most of us know nothing about heaven and yet we continue in our walks, not knowing anything about our final destination. We know that this world is not our home, but wouldn't it make such a big difference if we knew what our true home has to offer us?

I believe that all of us get glimpses of heaven that draw us to a place that we've never been before, but where we are all longing to go. I call it the "God feeling". It is the feeling you get when you are staring at the ocean, not able to see the other side. It is the feeling you get, when you are by yourself at night and you look up into the sky and see the stars and realize how big our world is. It's the sweet and fleeting moments of almost perfect love and fellowship you feel with your family, your kids, and your friends. I believe that this is the Holy Spirit drawing us to our eternal home, giving us hope that our souls will one day find their rest. It is our glimpse of hope in a world that seems hopeless, yet ours is a hope which demands nothing of time or earth, but seeks all in the world to come!
At first I was going to write about all the details I learned about heaven...but I think its a journey that God wants to take each and every one of us on. He gives us the Church,the Bible and His Holy Spirit which all give us amazing glimpses into heaven. I encourage you to take this journey and I guarantee that your perspective on life will completely change...for the better!

The Invisible Mother

I absolutely love this piece. I am sharing it from another mom's blog.

Invisible Mothers

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store.

Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?'

Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.

I'm invisible - The invisible Mom.

Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more.

"Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?"

Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?'

I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?'

I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner,celebrating the return of a friend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well.

It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:
'To Charlotte, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it.'

And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'You're gonna love it there.'

Someone needs to be the Donkey...

The week of our Lord's Passion began today, Palm Sunday, and we joined in praising Him with the crowds chanting, "Hosanna to the Son of David!" "Blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord!" "Hosanna in the Highest!" On most Palm Sundays, I get emotional. In the Orthodox Church, we believe that all feasts, such as Palm Sunday and the events of Holy Week, for example, are not just annual remembrances of the events of that day– they are, instead, by the grace and condescension of God, a true participation in the event itself. The liturgical and spiritual reality of holy events are a gift from God – a condescension to us – not unlike the condescension of His incarnation. God gives Himself to us in our worship of Him. It is pretty mind boggling. Maybe that is why I get emotional, because I close my eyes and I see Him right in front of me, smiling at the praises of His people but also inwardly saddened at the denial he would face by these same people- by me...



What can I do to ensure that I please Him and truly live a life that glorifies Him, just as my verbal praises proclaim? If I allow Him to do as He pleases with my life. If I see Him as my creator and my redeemer and realize that my entire purpose in this life on earth is for Him- not for me. If I volunteer and say, "Take me! Take me to be your donkey!". Without the donkey, Christ wouldn't have been able to ride into Jerusalem and carry out our salvation. The donkey is the least of all animals, but Christ chose it for His good purpose. If He chose a donkey, don't you think He could choose us if we humble ourselves and allow Him to use our life for His glory...even if it means being like a donkey?

This was the message of today's sermon, and a message that God has been ingraining in my heart this entire Lent. Humility. And humility does not mean, like we so often think, thinking horrible thoughts of ourselves and how horrible we are. Humility means having a true assessment of who I am and who God is. Humility is the realization that we can do NOTHING without His help. This realization should draw us into prayer throughout the day, not out of obligation but out of complete desperation knowing that without this time of supplication before God, nothing fruitful or successful will come out of our day.




I have been so humbled as a mother, especially recently, realizing that whatever "perfect" plan I put in place or however hard I try, I am a mess on my own. No matter how many pep talks I give myself..."I won't lose my temper, I won't yell, I won't be upset"...I find myself falling day after day. I was convicted of my pride in thinking I'm just a "strong" woman, who can "handle it".

I desperately need a Savior.


And can it be that He needs me too? For so long, I have tried to be good enough for Him to use. But this week, He is telling me that I will never be good enough, and until I reach the point where I can admit that, He can't use me in the ways I want. The Holy Spirit is given to us in proportion to our humility. I can go through my life thinking that I can do things on my own; that if I read up enough on the best parenting techniques, I would be the best mom...if I read tons of spiritual books, I would become spiritual...if I served until the point of exhaustion, my service would somehow be more acceptable. No. I can do nothing at ALL WITHOUT HIM. Admitting this will give Him the invitation to come in and use me to glorify Him and bring more people to His Kingdom...just like the donkey...

Just "Be"

As I mentioned before, my goal for this Lenten season is to “declutter” from the inside and out. So far, I must say, it has been very freeing. There are a few things that I have cut out such as excess time on facebook, e-mail and texting, among other things, that I didn’t think would make such a difference, but taking these distractions out of my life has carved out some time and space that I didn’t even know was there. I have also been trying to resist the urge to plan something for the kids, or my husband and I, on any free time we may have. In the words of my wise mother, I am learning to just “be”.

During my high school years, I was constantly running from school to sports practices, games, and other extracurricular activities during the week. On most weekends, I’d want to spend time with my friends. There were times when my mom wouldn’t allow me to go out and insisted that I stay home. When I’d ask her why, she’d say, you just need to learn how to “be”. And if that wasn’t bad enough, I couldn’t even watch television while I was home away from all the fun. Of course I would throw a fit and tell her that she didn’t know what she was talking about but now, years later, I am starting to see the wisdom in her reasoning.

I strongly believe that one of the main reasons I don’t get bored as an adult is because of these years of “training” from my mom (and thank God for that because I have a lot of moments to myself as a PW!). Not only did I just learn to keep myself busy with a ton of different hobbies, reading, etc, but it was in those moments of quiet that I felt an emptiness that eventually led me into my journey with the Lord. Without having a second of quiet in my life, I may have never felt my desperate need for God and the bitter taste of life without Him. It was in those moments of just “being” where I could reflect on my life, when I tried my hardest to avoid it. God was always there, but in those moments when all the noise was moved away, I could finally see Him.

As a mother now, I can see how hard that must have been for my mom to tell me no when I’d ask to go out with friends or busy up my schedule. We parents take absolute joy in giving to our kids and allowing them to do things that make them happy. My kids are only 2 and 4 and it breaks my heart when I have to tell them no. I have the tendency to fill up their free time with playdates and activities so that they’ll be “enriched”, social, and entertained. But I often wrestle with the thought that, just as my mom did to me, I need to teach my children to just “be”. In fact, I believe that it is my responsibility as a mother to train my children in this "just being" way of life that has even become hard for us adults these days.

I need to trust that the same God who met me in those quiet and empty moments can and will meet my children too, even at their young age, and His presence- more than any activity, playdate, or form of entertainment- will enrich my children in more ways than any of these things can- I just have to believe it!

More time for the little things...

In my attempt to de-clutter and simplify around here, I've noticed that I've had more time and energy to enjoy the little things. When my mind is preoccupied with a million different things, I sometimes give my kids and those around me the short end of the stick, and that is something I want to change. My dad passed away almost 5 months ago, and I am still dealing with the reality of it. One lesson that continues to echo in my mind daily is to seize the day because we don't know how many we have left. What a shame if I would just spend my life being too busy for the most important people and things around me.

On that note, here are some good ways that I've found for the kids and I to spend good quality time together- enjoying life's little moments:

-When it rains, go outside with an umbrella (see above). I explain to my kids that God needs to pour the rain down so that the trees can start growing leaves again.
- "Bug Catching" (above and below). We found bug catching nets in the dollar area at Target. When the weather is decent, the boys go outside searching for bugs, leaves and other things to put in their nets. Actually, the other day we saw a bunny and the boys were chasing it with their nets...haha. This is a nice chance for them to be outside and exert some energy and its also a great walk for me.

-Library Days. This is an idea I remember from my mom when we were little. Choose a day to go to the library once a week or once every other week, and check out some books. That night when you come home, make popcorn and read books in Mommy and Daddys bed. This makes the kids excited about reading as they see it as a special event.
-Wooden Puzzles- I just discovered these. They are much easier than regular puzzles for preschoolers and toddlers and they keep the kids busy. We also like to do big puzzles together as a family, everyone has a role in finding and placing the pieces.
-Coloring and painting. I find that when I have the time to sit and actually paint or color with the kids, not only is it therapeutic and relaxing for me, but the kids really enjoy it and spend more time doing it compared to the times I just let them color on their own.
-Cooking. (I know, I need a girl!) The boys actually love helping me to cook and bake. I have them pour the ingredients and stir, and they love it. Hopefully they'll impress some ladies with their cooking skills later on in life ;-)

My Lenten Goal

We just got back from our road trip to Toronto and despite the fatigue that comes from traveling with two young children, I feel spiritually refreshed! I'm almost ready for this season of Lent that is coming up. I say "almost" ready, because I literally feel like I was just getting used to being able to eat-and cook- meat and dairy... :)

Even before my trip, this whole urge to "de-clutter" was building up inside of me. Maybe its a little bit because I'm genetically OCD (haha) or maybe it was really a message that God was trying to give me. Not so coincidentally, two of the women that I got to spend lots of time with on this trip were also feeling the same urge. One of the very practical de-cluttering tips I got is right here!

I'm planning to use the 55 days of Lent to physically clean out my home, and during this process, I am going to pray that God could spiritually "de-clutter" my mind and my spirit. As I clean up each room, and see which stuff needs to be thrown out, given away, or cleaned up, I will also pray that God reveals the things inside of me and the "stuff" in my life that needs to be cleaned up.


It's my prayer that during this process, my mind and heart will be cleared from clutter so that I can more diligently listen for God's voice. Exodus 15:26 (my quiet time the day before I left for vacation) says, "If you diligently heed the voice of the Lord your God and do what is right in His sight, give ear to His commandments and keep all His statutes, I will put none of the diseases on you which I have brought on the Egyptians. For I am the Lord who heals you." The part about diligently heeding His voice really spoke to me. Though I take "quiet time" every day, I also feel like my mind and heart are elsewhere, too cluttered to hear His voice. I may read His word every day, but I can't say that I diligently listen for His voice. I believe that listening for His voice, hearing what He has to say, and obeying it, will be life changing for me...even in just the little things.

Pray for me! I'll keep you posted on this process :)